By Fred Blanc
Paddleton (Film, 2019) - Mark Duplass loves Raymond and Raymond loves him back and also helps kill Duplass’ character in an act of Romano-assisted suicide...6.76 out of 10.
Dogwalker (Marijuana Strain) - This sativa dominant hybrid is indeed appropriate for walking the dog, although you’ll probably want to wait to partake until the dog walk is over—unless you are up for visualizing coronavirus germs and ducking and dodging them in a paranoid (but pleasant) haze...7.81 out of 10.
Walking a Dog During a Pandemic (Life Event, 2020) - Something akin to a waking nightmare if you are even just a touch germaphobic—if you’re considering getting a dog during lockdown, this reviewer might advise waiting for robot dog technological advancements or maybe just get a house plant and stare at it so long that you’ve convinced yourself that the plant loves you back in a Paddleton-esque sense of meaningful but non-romantic love...0.19 out of 10.
The Afterlife (After-Life Event, TBD) - IDK, ask Duplass (this isn’t a spoiler—the movie Paddleton is about Mark Duplass’ character finding out he has terminal cancer and deciding to end his own life once the cancer becomes unbearable, via prescription suicide pills and the help of his neighbor/best friend/non-sexual life partner, played by Ray Romano, and it’s actually pretty good, even though it’s a movie nobody really asked for and I just read a review on Vulture that was shitting on Ray Romano the whole time and look—I’m not necessarily endorsing R.R. as an actor or as a person or anything but just because you hate his guts doesn’t mean he can’t actually be decent in one movie...it’s fine, pretty good even at times, and especially resonant if you’ve had to experience the loss of a close friend)...Score TBD.
Fred Blanc is a multimedia artist living on the Oregon Coast.
Portrait of Ray Romano by Fred Blanc.